The Importance of How a Couple Fights - written for school

      In the study that would lead to a famous method of couple’s therapy, John Gottman used a coding system that tracked verbal exchanges, as well as physical indicators of emotion – “flickering facial features, sighs, clammy hands, rolling eyes, and galloping heartbeats.” Gottman went as far as to follow some of the couples he worked with for more than twenty years, analyzing seven variables closely - mainly during verbal exchanges. Rather than focusing on preventing fights between couples entirely, Gottman discovered that it is, instead, more important how a couple fights, rather than if or when. There are two types of couples, Gottman found – Masters of Marriage, and Masters of Disaster. Gottman found that the Masters of Marriage had it right; Neither husband nor wife regularly became upset enough to elevate their pulse above 95 beats per minute, issues were raised gently (yes, mainly by the wives) as close as possible to the time they occurred, tensions were broken with jokes, reassurances, distractions, and when complaints did arise, the husbands made an effort to change their behavior. Also, at least five positive remarks were made (on average) for every one negative remake made during an exchange. The Masters of Disaster, however, did not have it down so well. Wives tended to raise issues harshly, when they did at all, and husbands tended to ignore the issues entirely or put their wives down for raising them. On average, 94% of the time these issues were never resolved. Wives globalized phrases – saying things like, “You never,” or “What’s wrong with you?” The husbands, for their part, tended to stonewall, or shut down entirely. With his research, Gottman discovered that there were what he calls the “Four Horsemen” of marriage present within most exchanges between the Masters of Disaster.” The Four Horsemen are: Criticism, Stonewalling, Defensiveness, and Contempt. However, even when the Four Horsemen were present in an exchange, if the couple could repair and reconnect properly after the fight, there was hope.

            Gottman and his wife reason that there are certain techniques that can be learned, even for couples who find themselves employing the Four Horseman from time to time. One of these is Positive Sentiment Override, which is produced by a system of mutual stroking – an emotional tipping point that allows spouses to think, even in tense moments like an argument. Negative Sentiment Override¸ however, is the lack of positive feedback or even simply an imbalance, leading to a destructive mental shift over time. In other words, to assume the worst in one’s partner. With the lack of or imbalance of positive feedback or understanding, the Fundamental Attribution Error can arise – a default setting of blame, in which all the problems in the relationship are the other partner’s fault. This leads to more and more fighting, which can only lead to appearances from the Four Horsemen, which can signal the demise of a relationship. Successful couples have built a “large cognitive map” of each other’s world. Even a subtle bid for attention is given attention and positive feedback, regardless of the partner’s ability to see through the bid for attention itself, or the small size of the grab for attention. In unsuccessful couples, however, the lack in frequency and quantity of positive feedback leads to the development of the fundamental attribution error.

            During a very strange and depressing time in my life, I fell in love with a roommate. We live apart now, but we still work together. Naru, as we will call him for the Japanese short hand for Narcissist, suffers from Bi-Polar disorder, severely. One minute he will be jumping around a room without a care in the world, and the next he could fall into a pit of depression and despair deep enough for anyone to get lost within. Throw a few delusions of grandeur in there, and you have the makings for a typical day in our small apartment. Naru’s mood fluctuated constantly; from happy to sad, content to angry, and even from confidence to fear. Naturally, we fought quite often, but strangely enough it was always Naru that approached me after a fight and forced me to talk to him about what was happening. Each time I was caught off guard, and each time I managed to stonewall, hold him in contempt, criticize his weaknesses and blatant abuse of my generosity, and constantly found myself rolling my eyes. Without fail, every time, he took the verbal beatings, kept a calm demeanor, and forced me to talk to him. Eventually I told him he needed to move out, of course, in the middle of a fight. He obliged without question. Even after he moved out, we have managed to maintain a stable friendship. My feelings have not changed, which makes the relationship very difficult for me, but we still share a very close interpersonal relationship. My relationship, or whatever one could call it, with Naru is a testament to the idea that a couple truly can survive even the darkest days, as long as at least one of the partners is willing to be the sane, level-headed, supplier of positivity.